I'm so bright my mom calls me sun!

I am a pretty easy going person. It's practically impossible not to get along with me. Not many things really get under my skin. Ok, now that we have that established, let me tell you the one thing I dislike, A LOT.

It's happened to all of us. We use the Lord's name in vain in the presence of a die-hard christian. BAD IDEA! That chirstian gasps and looks at us with a look of almost disappointment. Now, I understand this coming from a christian who attends church, but I've gotten this look of contempt from people who don't even get their ass out of bed for 11am service on Sunday mornings. I get my ass out of bed for 10am Sunday School AND 11am service on Sundays, don't give me your shit Godammit! I'll say the Lord's name in vain if I want, I think I have the right. I go to church!

Now, that isn't to say that people who attend church have a right to sin, but I think they have more of a right to reprimand some one who sins than does some one who truly believes in God but doesn't attend church. There's this girl I know and she is always telling people how they are living sinful lives and are taking a path that will lead them to hell. She even tries this guilt trip on me, trying to quote the Bible and telling me about her prayers. I just want to look at her and ask her what the pastor preached about on Sunday morning. Or what did she learn in Sunday School because I know she wasn't there. I know it and she knows it. Don't preach to me if you're not there for the sermon on Sunday mornings because you don't have the right.

Here I am. I'm sitting here waiting for a phone call. I am waiting. It doesn't sit well with me, this waiting stuff. I actually hate it very much. You could say I'm rather impatient. Yet, I'm still waiting here for a phone call. A phone call that probably won't come for another hour or more; it's impossible to tell. This week is going to be hell. It's a damn good thing I'm going under the knife tomorrow because I wouldn't be able to handle this waiting crap for another day, at least not without some kind of narcotic.

I know it's the reasonable thing to do, wait for him to call me. He had to do it for me when I went on vacation. He's different than I am. He can stand to wait for the one he loves. I can't stand it. I'll do it, but I can't stand it. I'll do it because I love him, but I won't tell him I like it.

I hope he doesn't get used to it. I know I won't. I hate to wait. I hate it because it's boring. Especially when you think about that thing your waiting for. It's all you think about. Then you wonder - if you're waiting for a phone call - 'maybe the phone is off the hook' and you go to check all the phones to make sure they're not off the hook. Next you think 'maybe the phone line is dead and he can't get through' so you pick up the phone to make sure it still works. You hang up real quickly and thinking 'dammit he probably called just then and got a busy signal!' This waiting crap sucks because the thought of what you're waiting for consumes your entire mind. You can't escape it, not for the life of you. So I hope he doesn't get used to me waiting for him because I hate it. I hate it a lot.

I'll never be the wife that, while her husband is away, waits for him to call every night. I'll never do that. If my husband must go away, I'll go with him. No matter where he goes, I'll go with him. Or I'll tell him not to call me. "Just don't call me," I'll tell him, "Because I can't stand the wait for that phone to ring." I just won't wait. I won't do it.

Ok, I'm getting pretty repetitive on here. I'm all about cheating and control. Not really. Those are the things that piss me off. But I'm also extremely optimistic, although this blog doesn't reflect that at all. My boyfriend, who I've made out to be a real jack-ass, is loving, trusting, calm, and strong. He's so damn strong. He's there for me in every aspect of life. When I quit soccer he was behind me. When I joined soccer two weeks late he backed me up. When he makes me cry by shooting me down he brings me right back up by telling me I'm strong enough to fight him. He was put here to make me stronger, not to bring me down.

He's a man. You can't live with them, can't live without them. He's my man. We have been together through thick and thin. We'll be together through thick and thin. We work through every bump in the road, ingoring nothing. The way I look at it, love is not something to be taken lightly. You can't take it for granted. If you neglect love, it will fade. That's why 40% of marriages succeed in America.

There's this song and the chorus is AWESOME. Pink, "God Is A DJ"

I should be an actress because I can cry on cue. I also think I may be manic depressive because one minute I'm high as a kite and the next I'm six feet under. I'm not manic depressive because there is an apparent cause for the mood swings, as where people who suffer this disorder have no apparent reason for their sudden change in personality. The cause of my mood swings is some one who likes to point out my wrongdoings and use them against me.

He says I've cheated on him. He says I'm cheating on him right now. He says I don't care for him at all. I say I've never cheated on him. I say I'm not cheating on him right now. I say if I don't care for him, why am I here right now? Exactly.

It's spring break and along with getting school off, we get a break from eachother. He's on vacay and I'm stuck in suburbia with the oral surgeon who will yank out my teeth on Monday. I have done things I'm ashamed of, I'll admit to that. I have done things that should make him a little suspicious, but it's not like I went out and had sex with another guy. He is being so overdramatic with these accusations that...     ...well, there's just no excuse for it!

I have some rules for dating. There's the obvious ones like "Don't date a cheater" or "Don't date some one who's been cheated on". And then there's the not so obvious ones: "Don't date some one who's parents cheated on each other." This one only came about in the last year because I have come to learn that children of cheaters will either be cheaters themselves (it's not proven, because I've never experienced it. It's more of an assumption) or they will be so consumed with cheating that they will go at anything to prove that you have cheated on them. Before you say WTF does that mean, let me explain. The son of daughter of a cheater will think that because one of their parents cheated, every one does it. Therefore, they believe they either have to cheat or they will be cheated on. Concluding, don't date any one affiliated with cheating. I fucking hate that word.

...All you need is a little romance. Often associated with love, romance is a wooing feeling that soars in with bells and whistles to sweep you off your feet. There are people who are specialists in the romance department. These people are called romantics (duh). Sometimes called hopeless, these 'romantics' are crazy. They say everything that pops into their head without even thinking about it. I've learned, because I am a hopeless romantic, that saying everything you think gets you into a storm of trouble.

I've found another hopeless romantic to dance the dance of romance with me. He has given me the relationship right out of that romance novel on your bedside table (don't kid yourself, you know it's there). We have the good times that are told in that book, yet we also experience the bad times in that book. He has a trust issue. This isn't to say I don't deserve the trust issue; I've done my share of unworthiness. It's like once you do something bad once you'll never live it down. You can't run away from that shadow of doubt. You stray once and you might as well not even go back, because if you do you'll be in a world of hurt.

Once you lose some one's trust, unless it's your parents' - they know the goodness in your heart and are very forgiving - it's gone. You can't earn it back. You can try and try and even try again, but it won't come back. I did that. I broke his trust and I worked and tried and worked some more to get it back but it didn't come. His trust stayed lost. So I told him he should trust me and he faked it because he knew I was trustworthy but fake trust is nowhere near as effective as real trust. Needless to say, that mission was scrubbed. I'm back in the doghouse, but this time I actually did do something. It's ok, I'll bounce back...hopefully.

Always...

...trying to cut me down                                         when I'm up on my high horse
...pushing me away                                                when I get too close for comfort
...saying you love me                                             because it's the truth
...trying to kiss me                                                 because I'm a good kisser
...giving me bad news                                            to bring us back to earth
...staying with me                                                   even though I've done you so much wrong

It's like everybody wants to be me or have me! I hate the word controlling because it just isn't significant to the situation. I hate it when people know what's best for me when they look at the situation from their point of view. They think they have it bad but when they look at it from my position...what in hell am I supposed to do? I'm trapped on all sides - parents nagging on me, the terrible controlling boyfriend pushing down on me, the friends who don't talk to me enough to know shooting me with rude and unkind jealousy. If I gave a rats-fucking ass about what any of those people thought I would be the ultimate idiot: the kind that gives a rats-fucking ass about what people think.
Don't tell me what to do. I'm smart enough to make my own decisions. Don't tell me what you think is best for me. I know where I want to go and how to get there. Don't look down on me. If you have to look down on me then I am better than you, 2-fold! Don't judge me. I'm not here for you to judge.
I will be a bitch to you when the time is right. I will kill you when you're not expecting it. If you want to make this into Mean Girls 2, go ahead. I will write another Burn Book and I will put it in your locker; your fingerprints will be all over it. Your semen will be the coverpage. I will get into your head. You will confess to writing the book you've never even seen.
I'm an arms dealer...w/weapons in the form of words. I will badly wound you with my voice. I will kill you with my looks because yes, my looks can kill! Once I'm done with you, you will wish the saying "Sticks & Stones...Words can never hurt me" was 100% true. My words will hit you in the balls.
People like to be in control. They like to tell other people what to do. I fucking hate it! I am SO sorry to each and every person I tried to control. It was wrong of me to do that. Please forgive me, because I'm being punished for it.
I wish people would stop telling me what to do. I'm not anybody's slave. I can think for myself; just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm an idiot. I do have a brain, and yes, it works.

Thank you for your time.